Pretty girls are the brokest

I've always been one of the cute ones.

Maybe not the drop dead, IG model type, but definitely the one who the drunk uncle sees at the cookout and says, “daaaaammmmn Nephew, that's you?”  Unhumbly and unapologetically, I've been that girl since high school. I may have never been the slim friend or the big booty friend, but I've always the cute friend. Big beautiful smile, glowing blemish free skin, an infectious smile, VERY impressive rack, and I would be remiss if I didn't pay homage to the infamous wagon I’m dragging …I mean physically, I AM HER.

I've never had a man tell me anything other than I'm beautiful.

In fact, I've had men tell me I'm one of the prettiest women they've ever dated.

Men have asked me to have their children, because they want beautiful babies that look like me.

Yet I still have my moments.

The mirror I stare in, and say, “baby girl, you the ONE” is the same mirror I stare in and  cry about the weight I’ve gained over the past couple of years. The same one that I stand in front of and glare into as I criticize my crooked teeth, stretch marks, dark spots, this fupa that does whatever the hell  it wants, these shady ass edges  and every other imperfection I have. In all of my cockiness and self absorption; I still battle with insecurities.

In any relationship I'm in, I give my all. I trust, until given a reason not to. I study the people in my life so that I can show up for them how they need me to. I do not bring any ego to the table which allows me to be a fixer, a provider, a  nurturer, and a lover effortlessly…

My type of love is always appreciated but never fully reciprocated. From the “friend” I watch support everyone else in public, but texts me in private to say how proud of me she is. To the man who proclaimed I was absolutely perfect and there was nothing more I could do, because I was amazing who cheated on me with a chick who follows me on social media. To the cousin who asked how my “lil grant writing stuff” was doing who has yet to like, share or comment on a single business related post but likes, shares and comments on everything else from everyone else.

You damn right I have my moments. I deserve so much better.

When the  love I share so freely isn't reciprocated, or I'm given a reason to question it, it fucks with me mentally, emotionally and ultimately physically. Once I get past the audacity, the gall and the pompousness of the situation, I am drained and I question myself. I question my worth.

Why am I not enough?

In those moments I am no longer everyone's favorite everything (especially ole boys).  I am the high school kid who participated in every sport only to never have a single supporter in the stands. The chick who graduated 3xs (college, grad school and the police academy) in 3 years, WITH a small child and while working a full time job, who had a family member say, “I don't know who you think is gonna keep coming to all this shit. We get it, you smart, but you can stop now.” 

So here I am at 40, accomplished as fuck, gorgeous as fuck, full of love, life, and happiness yet I still have my moments.

Why am I not good enough?

These moments usually don't last long, but they happen and it bothers me. And in those moments the very same motivation I use to get others through their situations, to believe in themselves and to KEEP PUSHING doesn't work on me. I am rendered completely powerless.

So now, I simply walk away. My ability to disconnect from people and things actually scares me sometimes. It's very extreme. I can literally love you today and never speak to you again effective tomorrow. I am so intentionally protective of my peace and my energy.... people really don't understand how hard I fought to be in this space and I’ll be damned if I give the same person more than one opportunity to disrupt it. 

I shouldn't have to be like this.

I shouldn't have to protect myself from people who claim to love and adore me.

I feel people should be kind and treat others the same way they desire to be treated.

I feel people should be honest with their intentions.

I feel people should be diligent in their actions and do their best to never hurt others; I mean don't we go through enough already without the added bullshit?

But I know this isn't reality.

And it sucks.

I share all of this because I know someone needs to read it. I know someone somewhere struggles the same way I do  and they are simply too afraid to express it.

But that's what I'm here for.

Everybody's favorite everything.

Big Jiz, a big fucking Boss...but still the prettiest broke chick you will ever meet.