The biggest betrayal of all times

For so long, I've not told my side of a lot of stories because I didn't want to hurt or embarrass anyone else. Despite what they may have done to me; my goal was always to protect them. So, in the midst of my own sadness, disappointment and pain, I've always put others before me.

Tonight, as I was deleting unnecessary clutter from my phone, I came across this quote I saved from a friend's page months ago and realized it was time.  The quote says, "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."-Memoir writer, Anne Lamott.  

So, with that being said, I got a story; wanna hear it, here it go.

Slim Motherfucking Goodie; 6'2, brown skin, salt and pepper beard, bald headed and fly as fuck is the only way to describe him. After our 1st couple of convos, I said to my girl, "this a grown ass man, what do I feed it?" Because you see, the way this man pulled up on me led me to believe he was far above average and that I needed to have ME together in order to fit in his world. He just didn't present himself as a regular tall can of Bud Light, hot wing, cheese fries with extra ranch on the side type of man. Naw, he seemed different...And outside of being gorgeous in my eyes, it was the realness and rawness for me. He never once denied his flaws, in fact he embraced them. During our 1st few weeks of talking he exposed so many fears and he was so transparent about how he had been and the man he was determined to become. I mean the man told me stories that would have made any female run, but along with those horror stories came tales of redemption, sorrow and what seemed like a genuine desire to change. I adored the fact that he shared; it made me feel as though I could trust him.

So let me take y'all back to the beginning....I am not sure how I stumbled upon him on LinkedIn but I was immediately enthralled. An award-winning journalist, and a 3-time best-selling Author from right here in my hometown AND again I say, the man was fly as fuck. For months I literally was a fan, never commenting but always watching.

Then one day he jumped in my inbox. The initial convo lasted roughly an hour and ended with him sending me cash for drinks; he just wanted me to know he also was a fan and admired my work and my hustle, that I was pretty and that he was watching.  I smiled all weekend about this encounter because how often is it that the person you've been crushing on has been doing the same to you? The shit seemed like fate.

Fast forward, 10 days later we had plans for me to visit. The day I was scheduled for coffee in KC with a stranger, the weather was bad, but I was determined. After several late-night story telling sessions and falling asleep on the phone like high school kids I needed to be in his space, and only an act of God could stop me.

I was so nervous the whole way there...what if we didn't jam in person? What if he was short? What if he didn't like me in person?  What if I didn't like him? What if he was crazy? By the time I arrived at our living quarters for the night, the nerves had subdued. Perhaps it was God's way of telling me 'all was well" or maybe it was the edibles washed down with the Hennessey VSOP.  Either way, I was ready.

Prior to arriving, my only request of him was a room with a view, two beds, and a good time; he did not disappoint. For the next 24 hours we talked nonstop. It was as though I had met this man in another lifetime. There was no awkwardness, no new situation moments, the shit flowed effortlessly. Before I knew it, I had drunk the entire bottle of wine he had waiting, chilled for me and he was on his third glass of Uncle Nearest.  We talked children, past relationships, careers, future aspirations. The shit was mad dope. I didn't want to leave and he didn't want me to go....

On my way home I simply said to God, 'If he ain't it, send me a sign.'

Less than a week later, he came to see me. The plan was for 2-3 days, that way we could enjoy our time together and he could spend time with his children that still lived here; he ended up staying 4 or 5 nights again, another amazing time. Plenty of St. Louis favorites-The Best Steak House, Lefty's Fried Rice, Freddy Gs and all of the STL snack food you can't find anywhere else. The drinks flowed, the conversation flowed and our connection deepened. By the time he was ready to go home, we had already planned the next meet up.

 

A pattern quickly developed; we never went more than 10 days without seeing each other, we were each other's 1st call of the day, the last call of the night and we still managed 5-6 hours of convo during the day. We both were smitten...or so I thought.

We had multiple conversations about the other people we were both dating and what our expectations were. Him: be loyal to me, take care of me as a woman should and I'll give you the world. I'm ready to be a husband.  Me: don't lie to me, and protect me. I'm a wife; taking care of you will come easy. We had trips planned months in advance, we rode around looking at houses and talked about retiring in our house on the lake with our grandbabies outside playing. We talked relocating for the betterment of his career (because I can do what I do from anywhere), we talked more children...I mean we talked that TALK.

At this point, my daily convos with God about him increased. Everything from God give me a sign to, God if this ain't it, remove him from my life.  I explained to God that I understand everything that feels good isn't good, so show me...I mean make me uncomfortable if this isn't where I'm supposed to be. Don't do shit subtly, (cause I don't take hints very well) but rather, shake my shit up if this isn't right because I felt myself falling... quick.

 

I remember like yesterday the day he called and said, 'somebody sent you something on Facebook.  I'm with my daughter right now so I can't explain, but I will.  I'm sorry." Once we hung up, I checked and sure as shit stank, I had been looped into a group message with two of his 'other' girlfriends full of pictures, and screenshots. I was in shock. 1st because ole babe was not what I considered to be visually appealing. I kept looking at their pictures together, in which they looked incredibly happy (although like an odd couple,) thinking to myself, how in the hell are we both his type?? Sis gotta be nasty NASTY cause ewwww. But apparently, she was more than his type; she had been around for 3 tumultuous years.  And the other poor lady seemed so different; I actually felt bad that she had been included in this message. She seemed so much older, calmer, drama free, you know the type who won't wear red lipstick because its unlady-like...simply dressed, a beautiful lady, just plain...again, the total opposite of him, but I soon discovered that she had been around off and on for 5 years so it was something. The 2nd shocking thing about the message was; how did she know who I was. ...I would soon find out.

I'm not going to lie, I let him explain the situation away. After all, it had only been a short time since we began hanging out and we had an agreement and had even decided, at his lead, when and how we would start eliminating others from our lives. He told me, this lady was only reacting poorly because he was breaking it off with her and she was hurt. Although the facts didn't add up, I come in peace; or maybe I come in stupidity, either way I believed him.

See one thing about me is, I'm healed from certain shit. I don't have trust issues; and I take people at face value until you give me a reason not to. I don't bring baggage from past relationships, and I don't have a wall up. I am simply me and anyone in my life has access to the full authentic me; until you don't.

Two days later I went to visit and it was subpar at best. He spent his time apologizing and I spent my time overanalyzing everything.  I actually ended the trip early; I knew the end was near.

Over the next three weeks, all of those signs I begged God to give me were glaring. The most measured and consistent man I knew became inconsistent, the flat out lies, canceling plans...I also noticed a heightened level of narcissist behavior with a heavy dose of gaslighting; that I never noticed before. Every time I attempted to address his actions, somehow, he became the victim and I the bad guy. I'll never forget one trip we took when during dinner I asked him why did he think he was husband material. He went on to give his arrogant ass response and all I said was Umph...he asked what that meant and I gently but honestly told him, he was far too self-serving to be anyone's anything. I told him he was an amazing guy, but that it didn't seem like he had space to care about anyone or anything more than himself...the night was ruined. The ride back to the hotel and the conversation at the room was stifled and dry. He eventually revealed that I had hurt his feelings; that all of his life people doubted him, left him and judged him, he thought I was different. I felt like shit. That night he snuggled up under me like a baby with a look of sadness in his eyes and disappointment on his face; he slept with his head buried in my chest and his arms wrapped tightly around me the entire night ... little did I know.

After another rough weekend together, on a beautiful Sunday morning he called me at 8am;  'Good morning baby' he said, 'Hey my baby' I replied, "how did you sleep?" He went on to say that his children's basketball game the night before wore him out and that he went straight home and crashed. I readily accepted this reasoning because he had been in St. Louis with me for the past two days and literally had less than 8 hours of sleep the entire trip; exhaustion seemed plausible. Less than 2 minutes into our conversation I heard a woman's voice asking who the fuck was he talking to....

 

Yelling, feet scurrying on a hard wood floor, doors slamming, deep breathing...."Hello" the voice said, "Is this SJ?"

Y'all know how you watch a really bad movie and you want to turn it off but you can't; where you know the ending is going to be shitty but you just HAVE to see it for yourself; well, that was me for the next 24 minutes.  This lady, the 5 year lady (whom he told me he broke up with in January), informed me that there were no children's games the day prior but rather they had dinner reservations and then he stayed at her house.  She went on to say how he told her outside of family obligations, his main purpose of being in St louis had been to break up with me, that he had called her several times on my watch and that he had invited her to join him in St Louis.

 

Now let's pause to fully understand the depths of this shit. How did this man think he was going to be here, in my city, with a whole nother woman? Like, where was he gon tell me he was? What was she gon do while he was with me? How was he going explain us not spending the night together? Y'all the shit SO sick in hindsight, but anyway let me finish.

During our conversation she proceeded to go through the phone and read numerous texts between him and other women (whom she was simultaneously texting) where he was professing his love, making plans and every other scumbucket thing imaginable. 

Fast forward, 24 minutes of an eye-opening convo, threats of violence, one police chase involving an elderly man (his ass) and 5 hours of talking to him; all was well.

 

At this point, for me, God had done in his job.  Things could get no clearer than this and I was left to deal with the harsh reality that in less than 30 days 2 women, both my elders, had been granted access to my life because of him. The most important task of ANY man I entertain, is to PROTECT ME, and he had failed miserably. Both of these women had been following me on social media, sending him screenshots of my page...one even went so far as to zoom in on my picture to read the affirmations on my mirror; she asked him was I pregnant because one of my sticky notes mentioned me wanting to becoming a mother again....

 

This nigga...ole babe, myBaby, my Yuppie, my Fly Guy was undoubtedly gonna make me fuck him up. He jokingly called me "his shooter" because I too was very transparent about my past so he knew better...or at least he should have.

I kept saying Shamara walk away. Because I know me better than anyone else in this world...I knew there was no way for this to not end in disaster.  Fun fact about me; I've never re-loved a nigga or re-friended a foe. Once you cross me, don't trust me, I don't mean you any good.

 

Despite all of this, I saw him the following weekend. 

 

Driving there, I cried, because I knew this was the last time, I would see him.  Rather I had the strength to simply walk away or I was forced to; I knew this was the end. I was not only losing my lover, but my muse, my inspiration.... Remember I said I was his fan 1st. The nights of bouncing ideas off of each other, him guiding me professionally, the collaborative projects we wanted to work on....all of that shit was coming to an end.

The weekend overall was one of the best we've ever had. Everything was x10, almost as if the universe was sending me off with a bang.

That Saturday night was the most restless sleep we've ever had together.  I felt him up moving, tossing and turning all night. My stomach was in shambles I felt uneasy and I could not get comfortable because I knew...

 

At 6am I jumped up and was ready to go.  I spent the next hour just touching him and looking at him. The smoothness of his beautiful mocha colored skin. Those soft full lips that so eloquently allowed every lie known to man to flow from them, but that also did amazingly nasty things to me. I careful traced over the scars he explained were inflicted by a friend. I kept kissing him all over his face telling him how much I enjoyed the weekend and how glad I was to have shared his space. At one point he jokingly said, 'Damn, you act like you're never going to see me again.' I didn't respond, just smiled and continued to soak him in.

One final kiss and I told him, no need to see me out, it was raining. I was ok, rest myBaby.

I quickly grabbed the last of my belongings, including his cellphone and a picture of the freshly soiled panties I found under his bed that did not belong to me and left.

Stay tuned for.... He's lucky I didn't shoot him.