Why you hating outside of the club

To know me is to know I have grown leaps and bounds over the past few years. From the angry, bitter, mean girl to what I now consider to be the total opposite. I am intentional about how I treat people and most importantly, how I show up for those surrounding me. It’s not because I had some profound life changing “come to Jesus” moment but simply because I wanted to be a better version of me and I took the steps to do just that. 

After the demise of my marriage, I was broken. And when I say broken I mean, “vodka straight out of the bottle  with nothing on my stomach for breakfast” broken. Now be clear, my marriage solely, did not put me in this place; it was life in general. 

You see I come from a broken home and despite many years of denial I absolutely had daddy issues. It had been over 30 years since I last saw the man I was raised to believe was my father. For me, those daddy issues manifested around age 18 when I became a little broken girl who dated older men to fulfill that gap. I was seeking a father figure...someone to provide stability, to love and protect me, but instead I ended up with old ass men who had NO business even entertaining me. In hindsight, the shit is actually creepy and thank GOD I have a son because I can not fathom ME being MY DAUGHTER during this phase….

Instead of staying in this broken place, when I returned back to St. Louis,  I did the work. Two years of counseling 2xs weekly, no attempts at a relationship, a lot of alone time, prayer, and meditation.

Bam, the year is 2020 and I am better. I no longer held on to any resentment for anyone. Not my father, whoever and wherever he is. Not my husband, who I technically had every reason to hate. Not even my kids dad who randomly popped up with a wife after three months of dating, after telling me for 10 years he would never remarry. I literally let go of everything that was holding me back and focused on me and my children. 

I made it through all of 2020 with no issues. No bad days, no tears, just a sense of peace and self purpose.

But y'all know that thing about the devil right….his ass be busy BUSY. 

On April 15th the devil sent his baby daughter to my inbox with the sole intention of hurting me because she was hurt. A hurt caused by someone she loved and trusted and because of this, she was determined to share this pain. As I scrolled through endless text messages, pictures and videos the anger grew-not at the situation, because I was aware, but at her audacity. I mean in 2021 are women really approaching other women about men? The whole concept was utterly ridiculous to me. 

Little did she know; the old me was DEFINITELY with the shits. Every mean girl, bully tendency I had ever possessed resurfaced. I not only matched her energy, but I cranked it up in overdrive. For 72 hours I was the pettiest, meanest, most immature version of myself I had been in years….UNAPOLOGETICALLY. For 72 hours, all of the peace, love and light I worked so hard to cultivate was gone. I was back BABY!!! The lil ghetto girl  from the Horseshoe by way of Berkeley had been given oxygen and was thriving. I relished in the fact that she was hurt, upset and embarrassed….simply because she came for me.

On the 73rd hour I snapped out of it. This wasn’t me.

I was no longer this mean girl with nothing to lose. I am SJ Stephens, the 2x best-selling Author. I run my own Grant Writing Academy. My business is POPPING!!! I have clients in 31 states, I am working my 1st corporate job ever, making more money that I could have imagined. (In fact,  I’ve tripled my income over the last year and my projections for this year are even better). My kids are amazing. I mean life is truly GOOD.

So just like that I stopped. Not because she deserved my mercy or my grace but because the situation wasn't worth it. 

So today's word of the day….YES everyone, even the strong, get triggered; and that's ok, It's normal and most importantly its life. But when you truly obtain a level of peace you do not engage in bullshit because it's beneath you in every sense of the word. So I decided to allow her to watch my page, my stories, send screenshots to him all because I realized….. ole girl was simply standing outside of my Club Happy hating; when she can't even afford to get in.